i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
