god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
