I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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