i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
