My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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