Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
