Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
