You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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