Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
two words...techno handjob
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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