I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
