There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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