It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
