I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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