I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
