i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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