Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
