Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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