3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
