I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
