Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
