Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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