Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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