We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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