puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
