I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
