what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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