Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
