I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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