You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
