Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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