Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
