i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
