Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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