new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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