she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
