i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
