oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
