I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize