Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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