If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
