Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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