i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
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