You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
