I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
