I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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