I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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