What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
