I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
