I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
