He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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