I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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